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| updating. so much has gone on that it will be difficult to mention everything.
"i find her when i look, even though i will never see her again."~jw
n. was buried this weekend. it was nice to see so many hiram faces at the ceremonies. there was a viewing before the service. i stood with friends that i hadn't talked to since graduation as i watched m. pray at the casket. i didn't feel it necesary to go up to her. i wanted to remember her as the beacon she was in my hiram life, most importantly in my whitcomb life. she was one of the people that taught me that "family" has nothing to do with blood relations. we did a lot of remembering. dancing to low rider. her insane knack to swing from any door frame. the booty shake. the bathing suits. baby got back. i am glad that i went, glad i had the chance to say good-bye. j. made me laugh during the funeral. she is so right, n. would have gotten such a kick out of it. m. said to me, i'm so glad i still have a redhead in my life. b. said something in his blog that is so true. hiram is a place that connects us. no matter how much time has lasped since we last spoke or saw each other we still hold important places in each other's hearts and when we need to come together, in times of happiness or crisis, we are there, because of this place that brought us together and showed us how important family really is. i miss you n. i hope that you and monet are painting your water lilies. i know that you are truly free and happy for the first time.
the good that has come out of this tragedy has been the understanding i've gained about the importance of connection. i've spoken with t. almost everyday. l. and i talked for the first time in three years. she's moving in three months and i hope to get the chance to see her. i am trying to see this as a time to let the people you love know that you do. i am just afraid that i can't fully do that now.
this has ridden in on the feelings of detachment i've had lately. my fear that i will never feel the connection to place and people as i did in hiram. finally looking at grad schools seriously. i had a great session last night at pitt. i am just afraid that things will turn out the way they did with aip. i guess learning from my mistakes with that can only work out for the best.
my 'bou family has been amazing with this whole thing. i walked into the back and they left me a card, with all of these messages of love and support and a bouquet of flowers. b. is right, it's not just a job, it is a family and i love them. i've turned into rory, making my pro and con list, and if i end up leaving pitt it will be hard to let them go. i feel so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing, caring people.
i have been reading a lot lately. i should say i am finding comfort in literature. jw is phenomenal. she is a secret i like to keep and never let free even though people would become better for having read her work. this passage seems to best sum up my emotions as of late:
"what should i do about the wild and the tame? the wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. i want to be held. i don't want you to come too close. i want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. i don't want to tell you where i am. i want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. i want to be with you." | | |
| The move is official. V has moved on, to Chicago, and I remain in Pittsburgh. It's very bittersweet. There is excitement in the air of really being on my own and a sadness that I can no longer flop onto to her bed to vent about the day or make her laugh so hard that she has to hold her mug up so that she doesn't spill her coffee. I don't think that it's actually set in that this isn't temporary. I am not anticipating the day that it does. While stressful at times the move was not nearly as bad as it could have been and I can include driving a 15' moving van from Pittsburgh to Chicago on my list of life experiences. The visit there was good, a little intoxicating, but good. It was interesting to see everyone, especially in the same place at that same time.
With the flourish of activity going on the little time that I have to reflect on how quickly things have changed, and continue changing, astonish me more each day. At what point do you finally say enough is enough? How much pain and anguish can you put yourself through before you make yourself stop? At the end of the day, who do you really want to be there to help guide you into the next stage of your life? These last few weeks have set these questions wild in my mind, and as I grow closer to the facts I am hesitant to make any final decisions. Perhaps I am afraid of the inevitable pain and frustration that accompanies them.
Life continues to amaze me and I realize how much I have to look forward to in the coming months. Maria this weekend, with a very brief visit from Vanessa & Brian (Burt!), Rick in just a few weeks, the possibility that the program I am developing at work could be rolled out to the entire company, a date(?), getting into my program at Skidmore. Excitement is in the air... | | |
| why do you work in customer service when you suck at life?
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| With the recent, and unexpected, knowledge that I have much more of an audience than I previously thought I decided to give all of you something better to look at then what was here before. I hope you enjoy reading my personal encounters and feelings in aquas, browns, and blues than the blah grays and blues from the past. Much cheerier, don't you think? Please keep in mind that I mean no ill will with these comments, as it was pointed out to me that I am posting in a public forum, it should have been expected. Nevertheless, I am surprised. Also, please note that while previous entries may have caused strife I meant no harm, and had I known that such posts were being read by unnamed eyes I would not have written with such gusto, humor, or spite.
Moving on. It looks as though I will be staying on here for an undetermined amount of time. I spoke with my landlord this week about moving into the one bedroom apartment that is vacant below us. I am excited and sad about this decision. I feel that career wise this is best and that I have more opportunity to grow and make a name for myself with the company. I fear that socially and emotionally this is not the choice to make. I know that in the future months the growing dread of unfinished business in cities outside of Pittsburgh will begin to eat away at me. I do not know how to truly fix these issues, however as I make attempts I am bracing myself for the inevitable doom that foreshadows my future in this city. It seems strange that moving has decreased my feeling of independence. M found it funny when I told him that it is difficult for me to make new friends. Perhaps this is from seeing me in an environment where I am comfortable with speaking to strangers and finding out about their lives. There is a difference. There is a sense of control standing behind the counter. I loose that comfort standing open and vulnerable to the same people. I can't quite grasp the definitions that stem from the roots of my panic and anxiety in such situations, however I know to grow I must do so and overcome them.
I have meant to post in the last few weeks about 2005. Not a review of sorts, but a reminder of what I lived and learned. I cannot do so. I don't know if some of those experiences are still too raw and I have not yet begun to heal, or if reliving the bad will break open the festering wounds. It was not a bad year. Not the best either. It was certainly filled with more highs and lows than I have had in a long time. Knowing the love and support that held me up throughout that time is what warms me and I smile at those memories. I embrace this new year with hope, a sigh, and a devilish grin of what I anticipate to be a better and exciting time in my life.
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